im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
