how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
nutella sex= disaster
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Found the puke drawer
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Randomize
