Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Randomize
