im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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