dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Randomize
