Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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