I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Randomize
