Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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