I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
