I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
