I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
