I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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