I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
