I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
