my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
