i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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