And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
