I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
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