I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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