I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
