Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
He literally asked permission to hit on me
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
