my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
What drink are we having for lunch?
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
