I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
