Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
