Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
