my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
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