what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
it glows. i had to have it.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
