someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
