Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
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Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
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