While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
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