Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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