oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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