Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
