So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
