12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
