I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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