I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Randomize
