i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Randomize
