Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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