i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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