The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize