Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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