There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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