Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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