If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
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I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
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Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
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