I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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