And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
