I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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