yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
