I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
