I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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