You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
