someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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